我存在的意义在于我有价值的思考。

我是一个不太真实的人，也可以翻译成虚伪。我想把我最好的最光鲜的那一面展现给所有人，我想把我的局促不安紧紧踹在怀里，不让旁人嗅到一丝。我是一个高中时班主任问起学习动力，真诚地回答老师我是为了虚荣的人。我想让我的名字烙印在人类文明史的卷轴中，以至于当你拿起放大镜仔细的审阅某一个角落的时候，可以发现我的名字静静躺在那里，蒙着尘埃。这，是多么伟大的虚荣，是多么真诚的学习动力。这，就是我想继续读博士的最大原因。

挺可笑的…神仙只需要美景，凡人可要吃喝拉撒睡觉吃药。这是一段充满了未知的旅途，浓浓的雾霭中隐隐透过几丝微光勾着我的魂儿，我甚至不清楚我脚下有着什么。

渴望，我对知识的渴望。不对，是厌恶，对无知的厌恶。还是两者的结合？解决问题的兴奋感会随着问题的难度而成几何倍数的增加。我不知道当我真的踏足了人类知识的边疆并艰难地向前挪动了一小步之后将会有怎样令人兴奋的愉悦产生，还是，我也不知道。

我真的不满足，真的不满足。我不满足于当我毕业的时候对于这个领域仅仅只有如此的了解，我不满足于在我大步流星向前迈进的时候因为实验室的设备不得慢了下来，我不满足于身边没有人能一起讨论讨论下一眼该看向何方…

我的身后一直是我惦念不下的港湾，但，人毕竟只活这么一次嘛。

10月8日2021年 秋

===Translation===

The meaning of my existence lies in having thoughts that carry value.

I’m not a very genuine person — you could even say hypocritical. I always want to show everyone the best, brightest version of myself. I clutch my awkwardness and anxiety tightly to my chest, hiding them so that no one can sense even a trace.

Back in high school, when my homeroom teacher asked what motivated me to study, I answered honestly: vanity.

I want my name to be branded onto the scroll of human civilization, so that when someone picks up a magnifying glass and carefully examines some forgotten corner, they might find my name lying there quietly, covered in dust. What magnificent vanity that is. What sincere motivation for learning. And that is the biggest reason I want to pursue a PhD.

It sounds a little ridiculous… Immortals only need beautiful scenery; mortals have to eat, drink, sleep, get sick, and survive. This journey is full of uncertainty. In the thick fog, a few faint rays of light hook my soul forward, yet I don’t even know what lies beneath my feet.

Longing — my longing for knowledge. No… maybe it’s disgust — disgust toward ignorance. Or maybe it’s both.

The excitement of solving problems grows geometrically with the difficulty of the problem. I don’t know what kind of exhilaration I’ll feel when I finally step onto the frontier of human knowledge and struggle to push it forward even a tiny bit. Or maybe… I still don’t know.

I’m truly not satisfied. Truly not. I’m not satisfied with graduating while knowing so little about my field. I’m not satisfied with slowing down simply because the lab equipment holds me back while I want to stride ahead. I’m not satisfied with having no one beside me to discuss where we should look next…

Behind me has always been a harbor I can’t let go of. But after all, we only live once.

October 8, 2021 — Autumn